She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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