Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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