I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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