I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
