why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
