Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
