This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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