Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
