I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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