If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
