I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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