So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
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i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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