AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
