The maid of honor just puked.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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