I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
