at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
