im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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