he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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