The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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