I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
