after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
