Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
