We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
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i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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You are the jesus of drinking
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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