even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
