i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
