he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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