So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
