Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
