The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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