This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
