were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
