he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
