She is in my trunk
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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