ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
