btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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