you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
