Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
