i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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