I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
