Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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