Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
