thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
