I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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