My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
