I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
