How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
