Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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