Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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