God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
