while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
