I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
