This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
