My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
that may or may not have been my penis.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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