i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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