She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
