good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
