You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Its about making memories worth repressing
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
