My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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