I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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